Dating violence may be defined as the perpetration or threat of violence by at least one member of a non-cohabitating (and childless) couple, on the other member within the context of dating or courtship.  This violence encompasses any form of sexual assault, physical violence, and verbal or emotional abuse.

Statistics

• Of the women between the ages 15-19 murdered each year, 30% are killed by their husband or boyfriend.

• Nearly 80% of young women who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships, continue to date their abusers.

• While women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are 5 to 8 times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner.

• In 92% of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by men against women.

• A study of 3,142 college undergraduates showed that serious dating increases abuse by 1.5 events per year, and cohabitation increases the number by 3.5 events per year. (Alvi & Selbee)

• Approximately 1 out of every 3 high school and college students has experienced sexual, physical, verbal, or emotional violence in dating relationships. (Mitchell)

• In a study of college students, 13.3 percent of 442 women reported having been forced to have sex in a dating situation.
  (Johnson & Sigler)

• Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make    sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home.  Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in.

• Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

• If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom.  Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrive home safely.

• Assert yourself when necessary, be firm and straightforward.

• Trust your instincts.  If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm  and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation.

• Be aware that extreme jealousy and possessiveness is the number one indicator of a potentially violent relationship.

Phase One - The Build Up: The first phase is characterized by a lot of pressure and demand on the victim.  There will be “minor” battering incidents and/or verbal and emotional abuse over imagined or real infractions of the “rules” and expectations of the abusive partner.  The victim sometimes responds calmly, trying to de-escalate the situation, or she may attempt to defend her position in the relationship.  They may both rationalize away the abusive behavior as stress-induced due to work or finances or jealousy because of intense “love” for her.  She believes she can control the violence by accommodating the abuser’s preferences.  She may see less of her friends and family, allowing the abuser to completely dominate various aspects of her life.  She may acquiesce to the demand she prove her love by agreeing to live together, mingling their assets, getting pregnant, loaning money, quitting her job, allowing him/her to make major purchases using her credit, or giving up her car.  The length of time the batterer spends in this tension-building phase each time varies greatly from relationship to relationship.  For some, it may be days or weeks; for others, years, but when a victim has been through the cycle a few times, she begins to realize that it has absolutely nothing to do with her behavior.  Rather, it is controlled by the batterer.  It is during this tension-building phase that women will often reach out for help and support since they are aware of the increasing danger.  But, other than services designed specifically for battered women, many communities do not often recognize her need at this stage since there is no “evidence of violence.”

Phase Two - The Acute Battering Incident: In the second phase, no controls are left, as the inevitable result of escalating tension and rage brings out the most abusive violence.  The acute battering incident is distinguished from other kinds of incidents by the intensity of the discharge, the major destructiveness, and extreme emotional release at its most negative.  As she senses this violence coming on, the woman’s apprehension may increase her anxiety and depression.  She may even attempt to trigger her batterer’s explosion to get it over with.  In every event, however, the acute battering incident is the result of the abusive partner’s choice to be violent even though (s)he inevitably will state that the partner caused the loss of temper, that she “pushed my buttons,” or that (s)he was out of control.  The hallmark of a batterer is never to accept responsibility for their own actions and it is the hallmark of a battered woman to take the responsibility onto herself, especially if she has actively participated in triggering the episode.  This phase is the briefest; usually 2-24 hours.  Afterward, there is denial about the severity of the incident, or an attempt to minimize or deny the occurrence altogether.  If the police are called, it is usually during this phase.

Phase Three - The “Honeymoon”: During this phase, the batterer may become very loving and exhibit tremendous kindness.  (S)he may be apologetic at the same time (s)he is blaming the victim for his/her actions, remorseful and conciliatory, nursing her wounds, promising to go for counseling, swearing never to be violent again.  (S)he will do anything, say anything to keep her from leaving which would result in loss of control.  Here in phase three is where (s)he will begin to give the victim what (s)he has withheld (or give back what (s)he took away) during the many incarnations of phase one.  (S)he tells her that she’s beautiful and a wonderful mother, (s)he gives back the credit cards and permission to drive the car, (s)he’s suddenly supportive of her plan to go back to school or get a job, (s)he says (s)he’ll get a job and stop drinking.  If they’ve never had a truly intimate relationship, this is the moment (s)he’ll choose to reveal some painful childhood story, or confide some problems at work.  If (s)he’s borrowed money, this is where (s)he will promise to pay it back.  (S)he tells the victim that (s)he’s never been in love like this before which is why (s)he is so out of control, but that (s)he will change.  (S)he turns into the person she so madly fell in love with, and she clings to this image with desperate hopefulness that the moment will last.  It is during this phase, when she really doesn’t want them, that most counselors and other services get involved.  The fact is, if the relationship has endured long enough (several years), the honeymoon phase eventually disappears altogether.  The batterer simply moves directly from acute battering to business as usual: the tension building of phase one.

• Jealous: Very possessive, calls constantly or visits unexpectedly, prevents you from going to work because you “might meet someone,” checks the mileage on the car, etc.

• Controlling: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; controls all the money, insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

• Has unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his/her every need.

• Isolates you: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.”  (S)he may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

• Blames others for own problems and mistakes: It is always someone else’s fault when something goes wrong.

• Makes everyone else responsible for his/her feelings: “You made me angry,” instead of “I am angry.”  Other comments include “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you” and “You make me happy.”

• Hypersensitive: Is easily insulted claiming that his/her feelings are hurt.  When (s)he actually is angry (s)he’ll rant about the injustice of the things that are just a part of life.

• Cruel to animals and/or to children:  Kills or punishes animals brutally; also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 2 year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry.  65% of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.

• “Playful” use of force during sex”: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; says (s)he finds the idea of rape exciting.

• Verbally abusive: Constantly criticizes, or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names.  This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up and keeping you up with relentless verbal abuse.

• Belief in rigid gender roles: Expects you to serve, obey, stay at home, etc.

• Sudden mood swings: Switches from loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes, often over something small.

• Has a history of battering: Admits to hitting women in the past but says it was their fault.

• Threatens to use violence: Makes statements like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” then dismisses them with “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really mean it.”  If there is a threat to kill it is time to get help or get out.

• Economic Dependence
• Fear of greater physical danger to themselves and their children if they attempt to leave
• Fear of losing custody of children
• Lack of alternative housing
• Lack of job skills
• Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends and lack of information regarding alternatives
• Fear of involvement in the court process
• Cultural and religious constraints
• Fear of retaliation
• Immigration Status

Em    Emotional Factors

• Fear of loneliness
• Insecurity over potential independence and lack of emotional support
• Guilt about failure of relationship
• Fear that partner will not be able to survive alone
• Belief that partner will change
• Ambivalence and fear over making formidable life changes
• Intense emotional bond and love for their partner

• Children in homes where domestic violence occurs are physically abused or seriously neglected at a rate 1500% higher than the average in the general population.

• Major studies indicate that nearly 70% of the children in battered women’s shelters were themselves victims of physical abuse or neglect.  Nearly half of the children had been physically or sexually abused.  The studies found that the batterer most often abused the children; in about ¼ of the cases both parents abused the children; and in a few instances only the victim.

• Approximately 90% of children are aware of the violence directed at their mothers.

• Some of the emotional effects of domestic violence on children include: taking responsibility for the abuse; constant anxiety (that another beating will occur); guilt for not being able to stop the abuse or for loving the abuser; fear of abandonment; inability to trust anyone including themselves; deep ambivalence about both parents.

• Symptoms of the damage range from aggressive acting out to extreme shyness and withdrawal, or from total school failure to compulsive over-achieving school performance.

Children’s Programs in Shelters and the Concept of Empowerment

• Children’s Programs in shelters for battered women aim to create a safe, non-threatening environment that encourages the expression of feelings and the empowerment of each individual, both adults and children.  It is our hope that through programs in the shelters, as well as through community education and awareness about the effects of domestic violence and the power and control of children, we can begin to change the cycles of family and societal violence.

What you CAN do:

• Become knowledgeable about domestic violence and initiate discussions about domestic violence with your family and friends
• Ask your congressional representatives what they have done to support domestic violence legislation and services
• Participate in legislation that affects domestic violence victims and survivors
• Participate in local events that raise awareness about domestic violence
• Work toward removing institutional and other societal barriers that battered women encounter.
• Volunteer your time at the Stop Violence Grant Office-donate your professional skills.
• Give money to a domestic violence agency.
• Don’t judge a battered woman’s experience.
• Organize your department or club to have food, paper goods, linen or toy drives or fundraisers.
• Refer battered women to YWCA-WINGS, House of Ruth, Haven House, Stop Violence Grant office or other local domestic violence agencies.
• Ask your city council if they provide city funding for domestic violence agencies.
• Confront others about their attitude, jokes and behaviors that lend to a violent culture.
• Speak out against negative media images such as pornography, violence against women in film and television and sexist jokes.

2. If a brother, friend, classmate or teammate is abusing his female partner—or is disrespectful or abusive to girls and women in general—don’t look the other way.  If you feel comfortable doing so, try to talk to him about it.  Urge him to seek help.  Or if you don’t know what to do, consult a friend, a parent, a professor, or a counselor.  DON’T REMAIN SILENT.

3. Have the courage to look inward.  Question your own attitudes. Don’t be defensive when something you do or say ends up hurting someone else.  Try hard to understand how your own attitudes and actions might inadvertently perpetuate sexism and violence and work toward changing them.

4. If you suspect that a woman close to you is being abused or has been sexually assaulted, gently ask if you can help.

5. If you are emotionally, psychologically, physically or sexually abusive to women, or have been in the past, seek professional help NOW.

6. Be an ally to women who are working to end all forms of gender violence.  Support the work of campus-based women’s centers.  Attend “Stop Violence Office” rallies and other public events.  Raise money for community based rape crisis centers and battered women’s shelter. If you belong to a team or fraternity, or another student group, organize a fundraiser.

7. Recognize and speak out against homophobia and gay bashing.  Discrimination and violence  against lesbians and gays are wrong in and of  themselves.  This abuse also has direct links to sexism (e.g. the sexual orientation of men who speak out against sexism is often questioned, a conscious or unconscious strategy intended to silence them.  This is a key reason few men do so).

8. Attend programs, take courses, watch films and read articles and book about multicultural masculinities, gender inequality, and the root causes of gender violence.  Educate yourself and others about how larger social forces affect the conflicts between individual men and women.

9. Don’t fund sexism.  Refuse to purchase any magazine, rent any video, subscribe to any Web site, or buy any music that portrays girls or women in a sexually degrading or abusive manner.  Protest sexism in the media.

 10. Mentor and teach young boys about how to be men in ways that don’t involve degrading or abusing girls and women.